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In the beginning, LuLu’s reactions to us were so abnormal, shocking and overwhelming that it was virtually impossible to figure out what was going on with her. All we knew is we had a non-sleeping, self-hurting, tantruming toddler.
One thing that age and the acquisition of language has done is it has enabled her to tell us what she’s thinking. And her healed attachment has given her the ability (sometimes) to trust us with her inner most thoughts.
One of the oddities that still remains is her inability to accept a compliment. Children from trauma backgrounds, and perhaps other special needs children, have a very skewed self-image. Part of being neglected (especially) and abused is a feeling of no self-worth. You were ignored, thrown away, bad, not worthy of love and attention. And it’s an ingrained feeling.
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Parents of traumatized children are cautioned not to be too demonstrative in their praise. Our children are suspicious and will think we’re either insincere or foolish to praise a person so unworthy of praise (their internal view). Many parents report major time of backsliding after their child accomplishes something big and is praised for it. All that positive just doesn’t fit in their view of themselves.
These days I see it clearly on LuLu’s face. When she does something very positive, of course I want to praise her. The praise is sincere, but I can watch her rejection of it come over her face like a cloud. Because she has been able to verbalize that “my brain tells me I don’t deserve the compliment”, I always address the cloudy expression.
“You’re brain is wrong,” I’ll say, “you did a great job.”
She used to shut down or rage if I complimented even the tiniest of things. Mostly these days she smiles, as if I’ve been able to penetrate the looming storm and dissipate the thunder in her head.
“I did do a good job, didn’t I!” she’ll exclaim, smiling.
So we’re making progress…a millimeter at a time!
